Restless – Too much Thought

“A ruffled mind makes a restless pillow.”
Charlotte Bronte

Most of my life I have been a very lucid dreamer, which led to quite a bit of insomnia at a younger age. More accurately I could say my dreams were a direct reflection of my emotional state, chaotic, scared and sad.

Then I eventually found “peace”  through my cannabis use as I would not notice or remember my dreams. Looking at it now that was more like trying to amputate a part of my mind, note when I say mind I mean center for conscious thought not my brain. Funny thing about trying to use a substance to sedate a part of an abstract concept is that you have no idea what you are doing. You might as well be using a shotgun to kill a fly in your house, yeah you’ll probably get the fly while making a whole in your roof in the process.

For the last few days my dreams have not been pleasant, more along the lines of being cataclysmic or apocalyptic. The dreams of my youth seem to have returned to haunt me as they do every once in a while. Though I know now that escaping these dreams does not occur by merely waking up, more appropriately they can only accepted and meditated upon for they too serve a purpose. I see them now in the way my father talked about pain being a warning or indicator for disharmony within our body, my dreams are pointing to anxiety within my mind that I have not experienced since I was a child.

This anxiety comes from a lot of different places all at once, I am leaving a very “stable” job in the near future to pursue a career in massage therapy, returning to school full-time for the first time in roughly 10 years, I have started helping a non-profit organization with something that is well beyond my current experience level, and I can not deny the fact that I am putting my heart on the line for a new relationship adding to these as well. Honestly speaking all these things bring forth so much potential my brain is completely overwhelmed with the possibilities of pain or failure.

Within my heart a voice just calmly says, do not be afraid for I LOVE YOU, but the constant nagging of a mind that has gone unchecked for so long even wears me down. So I sit for a couple of hours and just listen to mind go on about what it is afraid of. Patiently waiting for it to stop so my heart can ask, “Are you finished? Do you feel better now?” , just as a loving parent does for its child when they are throwing a temper tantrum.

I do not ignore these fears my mind has perceived but merely take note of them and do my best to account for their possibility.  For ignoring your mind is equally as foolish as ignoring your heart but letting your mind prevent you from following your heart is 10 times more dangerous.

So if I may offer some advice, next time you are feeling restless, stop  and ask yourself. Why? Then sit quietly for a few minutes you should get a flood of answers.

Some of them direct others not so direct, in example you might say what am I doing sitting here? I’ve got so many other things to do. Then you should ask yourself, can these things not wait a couple of minutes? Is taking the time to focus on my mental health less important than whatever else it is I am “supposed” to do? Now only you can answer these questions but I thought it wouldn’t hurt to help you get started. Perhaps you will be able to capitalize on this same process, if not, oh well no big deal either, but at least you were willing to try something instead of letting your thoughts ruin your day or night as in my case.

As always



About sardeneaux

Raised as a preacher's kid for most of his adolescence, Sam is a young man who has come value LOVE and AUTHENTICITY more than anything else. Through the creation of MoreThanGold he hopes to provide a space for personal growth that will inspire others to remember their true worth.

Posted on September 3, 2013, in Journal, Reflections, Sam and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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