Category Archives: Journal

A record, as of personal occurrences, experiences, or observations

LOVE – A Word that Falls Short – Pt 2

Howdy!

Today I will be writing the second installment in my series on the word LOVE. If you missed out on the first part please visit the link below.

http://wp.me/p3NHzO-76

As this subject is one of great value to me I will be writing this subject in installments over the next few weeks that way I can keep a little variety to my content. Hopefully by the end of these entries you will understand why I think that the word LOVE does not do justice to the wide gambit of emotions that we are trying to express through its use.

The next lesson I had in LOVE was definitely humbling and so cliche that it only left me feeling like a fool. One that makes you realize what you have been looking for was right in front of your eyes like the old expression of hiding in plain sight. I’ll tell you it was like seeing your own reflection and noticing you are that cow with it’s head stuck in a barbed wire fence while standing in a lush field of alfalfa.

I was at the end of my rope and regrettably I had never been good at tying knots, so my grip on reality was quite weak. I needed to regroup and start creating a little more stability in my life. Fortunately I was still LOVEd by many regardless of how selfish or downtrodden I was at that time. A good friend, more of a brother (Philia), offered to speak with his father about letting me move into their extra bedroom and paying rent to them until I could get back out on my own.

Needless to say this was more than I deserved, but LOVE (Agape) knows no bounds and once again I found myself in another house of LOVE in all its facets. This family was amazingly beautiful and I don’t mean in the superficial pretty type of way, the values I noticed while watching them interact really set the standard for how I now perceive LOVE in the nuclear family. The simple acts of kindness they committed for each other really opened my eyes to the purpose of internal cooperation.

For so long in my own family I had the negative perception of just seeing how well I could manipulate others to get my own way that watching them do things for their LOVEd ones just because they LOVEd them really blew me away. Of course most of the acts of LOVE  were nothing spectacular in their own eyes just the simple things they were taught to do for each other by example of their amazing parents.

These simple acts of kindness really illustrated to me the value of all the little things my family had done and would later develop into my understanding of how our nuclear families are just a part of a much larger family that could really use to benefit from that LOVE. After a couple of months of observing their LOVE and kindness, my life was becoming a little more healthy and stable. So I gracefully took my leave and decided to move out, honestly speaking this was a very painful parting because at the time I was not sure I could see the LOVE they contained within myself.

I thanked them for all their hospitality, and with sincerity they let me know I was always welcome in their home. Then I proceeded to move out for some much needed time to myself. What really strikes me as amazing was during all this time I was being provided real lessons in Agape so that I could assess my own misuse of this word, just as a gentle reminder from my heart to my head saying, “please do not speak on things you do not comprehend”

So let me wrap this installment up with saying please don’t let those little acts of LOVE go unappreciated or ever stop giving them just because you don’t think they are noticed, because they are and they tend to have the most profound effect upon people you least expected.

As always

THANK YOU and I LOVE YOU

Sam

I want to take this opportunity to provide a special thank you to a very special woman who I recognized as being a divine expression of motherly LOVE and grace. Kathy was the mother of this great family that I had the immense privilege of bearing witness to. Although she was suffering from cancer and completely exhausted from Chemotherapy she made sure to keep doing all the little things that really illustrated LOVE in the deepest most sincere way. As with all great souls their impression’s on this world are timeless.

February 3, 1958- October 11, 2010

Restless – Too much Thought

“A ruffled mind makes a restless pillow.”
Charlotte Bronte

Most of my life I have been a very lucid dreamer, which led to quite a bit of insomnia at a younger age. More accurately I could say my dreams were a direct reflection of my emotional state, chaotic, scared and sad.

Then I eventually found “peace”  through my cannabis use as I would not notice or remember my dreams. Looking at it now that was more like trying to amputate a part of my mind, note when I say mind I mean center for conscious thought not my brain. Funny thing about trying to use a substance to sedate a part of an abstract concept is that you have no idea what you are doing. You might as well be using a shotgun to kill a fly in your house, yeah you’ll probably get the fly while making a whole in your roof in the process.

For the last few days my dreams have not been pleasant, more along the lines of being cataclysmic or apocalyptic. The dreams of my youth seem to have returned to haunt me as they do every once in a while. Though I know now that escaping these dreams does not occur by merely waking up, more appropriately they can only accepted and meditated upon for they too serve a purpose. I see them now in the way my father talked about pain being a warning or indicator for disharmony within our body, my dreams are pointing to anxiety within my mind that I have not experienced since I was a child.

This anxiety comes from a lot of different places all at once, I am leaving a very “stable” job in the near future to pursue a career in massage therapy, returning to school full-time for the first time in roughly 10 years, I have started helping a non-profit organization with something that is well beyond my current experience level, and I can not deny the fact that I am putting my heart on the line for a new relationship adding to these as well. Honestly speaking all these things bring forth so much potential my brain is completely overwhelmed with the possibilities of pain or failure.

Within my heart a voice just calmly says, do not be afraid for I LOVE YOU, but the constant nagging of a mind that has gone unchecked for so long even wears me down. So I sit for a couple of hours and just listen to mind go on about what it is afraid of. Patiently waiting for it to stop so my heart can ask, “Are you finished? Do you feel better now?” , just as a loving parent does for its child when they are throwing a temper tantrum.

I do not ignore these fears my mind has perceived but merely take note of them and do my best to account for their possibility.  For ignoring your mind is equally as foolish as ignoring your heart but letting your mind prevent you from following your heart is 10 times more dangerous.

So if I may offer some advice, next time you are feeling restless, stop  and ask yourself. Why? Then sit quietly for a few minutes you should get a flood of answers.

Some of them direct others not so direct, in example you might say what am I doing sitting here? I’ve got so many other things to do. Then you should ask yourself, can these things not wait a couple of minutes? Is taking the time to focus on my mental health less important than whatever else it is I am “supposed” to do? Now only you can answer these questions but I thought it wouldn’t hurt to help you get started. Perhaps you will be able to capitalize on this same process, if not, oh well no big deal either, but at least you were willing to try something instead of letting your thoughts ruin your day or night as in my case.

As always

THANK YOU and I LOVE YOU!

Sam

Courage – Not Reserved for Knights

This entry will hit your page in a more appropriate hour than it was written.

I sit in bed, awake, from two things. My heart hurts from a recent event and spicy Indian food making me sweat.

With my defense mechanism of levity removed it is more likely the first.

I have always been a big advocate of quotes so let me start this thought process with a few that really speak to me.

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the COURAGE to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Reinhold Niebuhr

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you COURAGE.”
Lao Tzu

“Without COURAGE, wisdom bears no fruit.”
Baltasar Gracian

If you are familiar with the 12 step program then the first quote is probably one that you use very often. While the other two are quite famous and we have all probably seen a couple of those stylized quote images that contain these sagacious messages. But I chose these in particular because they reflect that COURAGE is an alternative means to trusting or having FAITH.

What I am looking to discuss today is not just COURAGE to go to war or slay some sort of mythical monster. As important as those forms of COURAGE are, right now I want to discuss the COURAGE that is commonly overlooked by the public because it has not been deemed heroic and holds no illusions of grandeur.

More accurately I want to discuss the kind of COURAGE that can only come from living life from the heart in a world that occasionally seems to consider it foolish, the kind that says to the world, “I know that things will not always go as I planned or desired but I am willing to try anyways because I know that without COURAGE then I am dead anyways.”

I was the type of person who in the past would get hurt whether be it physical or emotional and say childish things like, “I guess that’s what I get for trying.” or, “only a fool would want to believe in the good when logic says otherwise.” These forms of self-pity and ego coddling really only served to perpetuate my low self-esteem and a negative state of mind.

If you can’t tell, I’m done with that bullshit.

But I do feel it is important I share these thoughts and feelings while they are still fresh because it is all too often that people seem to assume that just because I am a positive person and hold to very romantic ideals that I as a human being, never experience pain or doubt. Well here you go folks even I experience the BEAUTY of LIFE that comes from the duality of existence.

The reason for pain most often in my life is due to the fact I have already decided how things should go and started creating a future based on current circumstances that are really so far beyond my own control that it is inevitable for me to get hurt occasionally. Most likely this is my area of growth and life lesson something along the lines of “Have the COURAGE to HOPE but always be willing to accept you could be wrong”.

Who knows? (That’s rhetorical so please don’t answer)

But this time when I felt this pain, something new happened instead of saying, “well I guess I’ll hide from life again because getting hurt is too scary” instead I said to myself, “if there were no thorns on a rose its BEAUTY would be trampled underfoot.”

Oh how I would LOVE to avoid these thoughts that seem to badger my heart with their constant provocations like a snobby know it all child saying “I told you so” while sticking out its tongue. But my heart instead replies “THANK YOU for the warning and perhaps I will consider your advice longer next time.”

So what does one such as myself do when I am in pain?

You are looking at it, because in this day and age there are so many ways to avoid LIFE but living it is true heroism. Getting your thoughts and feelings out for the rest of the world to read and grow from is just one the many important habits that will allow our species as a whole to evolve into that which we desire from the core of our very essence. A collective of PEACE and SERENITY that is so immersed in love and joy that a LIFE of a escapism is revealed for being the direct cause of our suffering and discontent.

So if you are reading this thinking poor Sam, please stop because you missed the point. I’m not writing to garner your pity, I’m writing to show you that it is courageous to be a human who gets hurt or makes mistakes but still proceeds to LOVEHOPE and have FAITH.

I’m going to close with a few more quotes that really inspire me to defiantly look at the world and say, “Yes I could get hurt, but I’m not scared anymore.”

So as always THANK YOU and I LOVE YOU

Sam

“I learned that COURAGE was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.”
Nelson Mandela

“COURAGE is being scared to death… and saddling up anyway.”
John Wayne

“COURAGE can’t see around corners but goes around them anyway.”
Mignon McLaughlin

“COURAGE is simply the willingness to be afraid and act anyway.”
Robert Anthony

LOVE – A Word that Falls Short – Pt 1

Happy Tuesday!

Today I want to write about something that really defines me as a person, LOVE. Most likely because I have recently been intoxicated by the hormones my body seems to be in full production of.

As this subject is one of great value to me I will be writing this subject in installments over the next few weeks that way I can keep a little variety to my content. Hopefully by the end of these entries you will understand why I think that the word LOVE does not do justice to the wide gambit of emotions that we are trying to express through its use.

When I was a younger man than I am today my father and I discussed the topic of LOVE.

He said to me, ” Samuel there are three kinds of LOVE in this world, Philia, Eros and Agape.  The first being Philia which is a LOVE between friends which is why Philadelphia is called the City of Brotherly LOVE. The second is Eros which is most commonly described as erotic LOVE between a man and woman. The last being the most the powerful of all is Agape, this is an unconditional infinite LOVE that can be closely related to the LOVE of a parent for their child or between a husband and wife.”

I was maybe all of 17 at the time we had this discussion so honestly I had opinions about this but no true understanding.

At the time I was romantically involved with a LOVEly young soul (Eros) but of course at that age all LOVE can be mistaken for something more than we can even comprehend. (Agape) We proceeded to move in to a small two bedroom apartment that we shared with someone who I LOVEd as a brother (Philia). Our house was filled with so many good times and memories that I would never change a thing about it, despite the how disgustingly dirty it was most of the time or the fact that we really didn’t have much as far as material wealth.

A year passed and our hard living caught up with us, my relationship was falling apart and my brother had decided to move on to a new chapter in his life. I tell you at first my heart broke this was just too much at once. But that expression of having to live in the dark to appreciate the light was never more true to me than in this time of my life. I was alone in an abandoned party house that was started with LOVE and ended with empty confusion not to mention a terrible mess.

My heart was so heavy and I felt like I was watching the world crumble around me, I had to clean my current apartment, needed to move to a new one and let’s be honest my hard living lifestyle really left my budgeting skills wanting. The few nights I spent alone there were filled with tears and screams like a child throwing a temper tantrum.

My father, who I had rejected and avoided, paid me a visit. By this point I was coming to terms with how miserably I was handling my own life but even then I was still too proud to ask him for any help. We went out to eat and if I could see myself through his eyes then I bet his heart hurt so much just from the pain I was wearing all over my face. As he goes to drop me off at my shanty of shame, he reaches into his glove box and hands me a card. Then says, “Your brother and sister wanted to see you and said they LOVE you very much,” Proceeds to give me  hug and kiss then leaves as he could tell I was having a hard time not crying in front of him.

I go into my dingy little dwelling then proceeded to sit on my uncomfortable patio furniture we kept in the living room. I sat down and opened the card, out fell a check for a couple hundred dollars I’m not really sure how much any more but it was exactly enough to cover my current financial concerns, with a little to spare for some food. At this moment my eyes were so filled with tears that I could not even read the short message they had written me. After a few minutes of sloppy sobbing I read the card which was a message along the lines of ,”We know you probably need this because of the things that are going on in your life, we just wanted to let you know you are not alone and we LOVE you dearly”

This gesture had a profoundly deep impact on me, my family who I had attempted to disown, reached out to me and supplied my first lesson into the strongest form of LOVE.(Agape) Eventually I gathered myself after a half hour of intense emotion, return to cleaning my disgusting apartment and make a solemn vow to never put my family second to anyone else in my life again.

At the end of this chapter I want to leave you with a thought for your day or night wherever you might be. When you go to say to someone, that you LOVE them make sure you have clearly defined for yourself what kind of LOVE you are trying to portray and do not be afraid to question yourself because in the process you will make it easier to remove any expectations from the relationship so you can truly reflect that LOVE.

THANK YOU and I LOVE YOU,

Sam

Below I have provided some great links to this subject from a few different perspectives of history, science and philosophy. I hope you LOVE reading these as much as I did.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Greek_words_for_love

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/handy-psychology-answers/201102/the-psychology-love

http://www.jumpbackhoney.com/?page_id=318 ( The last two paragraphs relate to this subject)

http://paulocoelhoblog.com/2009/03/27/the-three-forms-of-love-eros-philos-agape-2/

PERCEPTIONS – Seeing SOLUTIONs not Problems

Ah, another day at work done!

Today I want to share some of my PERSPECTIVE on how faulty logic can cause us to quit on our DREAMS before we even attempt them.

But first let me get my green tea. Mmm-mm-mm, that’s good stuff.

Alright THANKS for your PATIENCE.

So let’s begin this thought process with a couple quotes to get the brain juices flowing.

“To every problem there is already a SOLUTION whether you know it or not.”

Grenville Kleiser

“It is a law of life that problems arise when conditions are there for their SOLUTION.”
Walter Sisulu

As I have been growing up I can really look and say the most important change I ever made was to stop creating roadblocks in my own mind. Too often I would look at my own DREAMS and see a million things that could go wrong. What I was not noticing was that I was able to see all these things that could go wrong so that means I was always able to prevent, circumvent, or ADAPT to them if they did occur.

I had often considered my mind that of a general but now I see where that opinion was just a little off, because a general does not abandon the war out of fear of losing it he prepares his strategy to account for things that could go wrong that way when they do it has already been anticipated.

When I was younger my dad would watch me play video games and ask all kinds of questions about why I was intentionally losing certain games or even killing myself.  As I child I had a very clear understanding that if I didn’t try those things then I wouldn’t know what was possible or probable.

As with most people through the years of teenage angst and depression I had changed my habit as a way of avoiding pain because I had foolishly started taking my mistakes as personal failures. The real TRUTH being that the only failure possible was not trying just because I was afraid of what could go wrong.

Let’s take a look at one of my DREAMS and see how this perspective change really had an impact then I’ll even share my thought process of removing roadblocks.

Most of my life I have always wanted to be a healer of some sort not specifically any kinds just one that helps others through whatever medium possible whether it be music, nutrition, a friendly smile or hug, or even just being there to listen to someone tell me about something in their life. Now originally I did not have such a wide perspective on it but from REFLECTING on it now most of my definitions for success were basically a way for me to help the ones I loved through whatever was my interest at that time.

A month or so ago I had this crazy notion that I wanted to be a massage therapist. If you know me then I had never discussed this or even anticipated that it would have been something I would pursue. This one idea came to  me like lightning with such unimaginable force that I could not deny it. At first I thought I don’t know any about massage therapy, problem one, then I said how can someone who lives with constant pain really help someone else with theirs? Problem two. Then it something amazing happened and I thought for a moment about something, my dad had always told me.

He would say, ” Samuel, sometimes depression and addiction is like being stuck in a hole, one that is so deep you can’t make it out alone. You may decide to call for help and a few will try to lay down at the top of the hole and pull you out. Occasionally the hole is so deep they can’t reach you so they move on. Then one day someone will come along and see how deep you hole is then jump right in. You might say what are you doing are you crazy? Now we are both stuck in this hole. Then that person will say I have been in a hole this deep and I made it out just fine then will proceed to lift you from the bottom of your feet so that you can reach the edge and climb out.”

He was never short on words, guess that runs in the family.

What this showed to me was that what I had perceived as a problem, my pain, was actually the tool that would allow me to effectively connect and help others since I had been in a hole before as well.

I want to leave you with a few more great quotes to really let my message hit home.

“Every problem has in it the seeds of its own SOLUTION. If you don’t have any problems, you don’t get any seeds.”
Norman Vincent Peale

“After every storm the sun will smile; for every problem there is a SOLUTION, and the soul’s indefeasible duty is to be of good cheer.”
William R. Alger

THANK YOU and I LOVE YOU!

Sam

F.E.A.R.

Gary Busey, blessed with brain damage from a motor cycle accident, is able to live his life completely in the present and once came up with an acronym for what fear really means “false evidence appearing real”.  I thought at the time it was a great and clever insight into the nature of this word most of us live our lives trying to conquer, in one way or another.  But over time I have come to realize that fear is not some shadowy demon I must focus my energy on slaying, and tried in my best way to transcend labels of being courageous or fearful.  There is so much more to life than this duality of fear or lack there of (be it love, liberation, whatever you take its opposite to be).

Fear at its worst is something that can overpower a person, cause them to fight, flee, or freeze, but at its best, it is something that accomplishes the exact same thing.  Sometimes we need to fight, sometimes we need to run away, and sometimes we just need to sit still, especially if our heads will be blown off by a potential mugger for moving.  Perhaps we can romantically think we’re immune to fear, but there are plenty of situations I would rather not be continually exposed to, in order to slowly condition the fear response out of me, and banish it from my very being.  Does that mean I will die without living a full life?  Maybe I should be afraid of dying without getting rid of my fear of lions.  In the meantime, though, that seems to be entertaining a fear of fear itself, and ultimately a case of fear I seldom feel, and don’t think will make too much of a difference to me, until I decide it’s necessary to conquer.

Until the day of dying without conquering my fear of lions becomes a prominent fear in my frontal lobe, I will not be too hard on myself.

FEAR, GARY BUSEY, LIONS, DUALITY,

Enjoying the Ride!

Good Afternoon!

Today I want to share a subject that has been illustrated to me in so many ways that I feel it would only be selfish for me not to share it.

I do feel I should preface this a bit. MY interpretation of this expression is that while it is important to go places the destination should never hold more value than the journey. Cool now that is out-of-the-way.

In today’s technology driven world we have been provided a gift that definitely has a dual edge, instant gratification. When I was younger this was my soap box for why people did not value the merits of hard work or perseverance. Honestly not much has changed on my opinion on this though I am no longer interested preaching to others about it like it is some sort of evil but hopefully show people how to take advantage of it without losing the intrinsic appreciation that comes from taking your time and enjoying the process as much as the results.

Let’s get real people, as soon as the light-bulb was invented we have been trying to figure out how to squeeze every ounce of productivity out the day,  which in turn has led us to create some amazing devices that allow us to create and do things in minutes that used to take hours or even days. While I do feel this is a very good thing because it allows us to spend our time focusing on the things we truly enjoy it regrettably has a nasty little side effect. When people speak of my generation two words normally come out,: entitlement and impatience. I would to love to prove them wrong but sadly these assertions have quite a bit of truth and at first it hurt, then clicked.

With everything we have been raised around, our time has been incredibly free to do as we please and realistically speaking  anything we want is pretty much a click, phone call or car drive away for those of us living in the more developed countries that is. Being of that generation I am definitely guilty of some these aspects as well, thankfully not as much as others.

Let’s investigate this though as we know that our children are normally products of their habitat, then what could have possibly caused these traits to have such a  strong manifestation. Ding! No that’s not a microwave that’s the sound my mind makes when one of my thoughts resonates with my heart. Seriously though I would say the microwave is a great expression of why we as a generation are not interested in the process of anything compared to the end result.  Since we were young we have been able to take a shoddy product insert it into a device and seconds later out comes “food”. A simple process like this in our daily lives created the habitual perception of instant gratification thus in turn our brains never received the emotional temperament that is forged through the process of hard work and patience that could come from a simple daily act of preparing a meal from scratch.

Now of course there are quite a few other reasons for these characteristics in my generation but this is an easy example that I think clearly represents the nutrient void product that results from a process undertaken solely for the results and not for the process itself. With that being said I’m also a firm believer in using technology to save time because I  know I have other things I would like to do with my time than walk to the store to get the ingredients along with current societal time constraints that part of the process to me is not where the value lies. By all means though I could be wrong.

Sadly what is overlooked ,in this whole observational process, is the damage this does to my generation because most other generations are just too busy complaining about it.

We as human being need to be able to give ourselves time to grow and mature, normally a whole life time. Since we are so caught up in the rapid pace of our environment we tend to have these same expectations for ourselves. Which leads to unrealistic expectations for our accomplishments and progress towards our own objectives, thus we perceive our need for the process of growing as a failure because according to everything else in our life we are behind schedule. Eventually this leads people such as myself to believe there is no purpose to life because it would take you so long to accomplish something that it is better to not even start since there is always the potential of failure.

A beautiful expression for this in my life is music. When I ask people if they play an instrument and they say no it is normally because they were “no good” at it. What I then usually reply to them is well were you good at everything you do the first time you tried it. Occasionally I get a yes for two reasons either they are one of those genetic anomalies that really is good at everything or they are completely in denial, but that is neither here nor there.

So through our daily habits of instant gratification we have gotten some really nasty habits that are very destructive to everyone involved in our world a short list being, entitlement, impatience, apathy, distraction and simply a lack of appreciation for the all beauty and splendor this life has to offer.

Today as I was getting ready for work I was preparing my lunch and breakfast at the same time, a fresh spinach salad and some delicious oatmeal. I washed my spinach and left it out to dry a bit before putting it up so I proceed to prepare my oatmeal. When I look back over at my spinach it appears I had been fortunate enough to attract a mythical being, a lady bug! At that moment I stopped my feverish pace took some pictures of it crawling on my greens because the color contrast was awesome and then made sure to put her outside so that she didn’t get squashed in my kitchen by accident.  A few minutes prior to this I had just been telling myself how much I needed to hurry because I had things to do at work. Then I just laughed at myself as this was a perfect way for me to take my own advice and enjoy the ride on this amazing journey called life.

Thanks for sticking around and know that I LOVE YOU!

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Ladies Love Me

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Making Space

As human beings we tend to have the habit of accumulating a lot of stuff throughout our lives.

Some of this stuff is physically tangible, while to me it seems that the things we collect the most of are emotions, thoughts, habits, and opinions.

What I am interested sharing today is more of the latter but of course there are physical manifestations in this entry that directly correlate to the existential subject matter I am discussing.

Since I was 14 years old I have had a habit in my life, at the time I acquired it and most of the duration of its existence, this habit served a great purpose in my life. What I am speaking of is the habitual abuse of cannabis, something that I considered an actual part of my being. I truly believe that cannabis has some great properties and can definitely be used to server a higher purpose. (Get it? Sorry I can’t resist bad jokes.) But in my situation it was limiting my ability to grow.

With that being said I can honestly say this habit was no longer serving its purpose in my life. I stumbled upon this revelation a couple of years ago, regrettably at the time I was utterly convinced that smoking was a part of who I was and I was afraid of what would happen if wasn’t a part of my life. For so many years I had been known for my easy-going attitude, laid back personality and always having the munchies. What I started to believe was that cannabis was responsible for these attributes, while the part about the munchies was partially accurate I found that all the other things about myself were actually just being accentuated through my habit. After looking into it deeper I could say I was probably attracted to cannabis mainly because of those parts of my being.

Then one day I was talking with, a very intelligent and thoughtful soul, we’ll call him Billy Joe(he would hate me for calling him this). He and I were discussing how our use of this substance especially for such an extended period of time had led people to start defining us by our use of the substance. Neither of us were comfortable with this idea as, we both knew that we were so much than just the plant that we were smoking. After a couple of days of reflecting I decided to join Billy Joe on his journey to redefine our social identities.

At first the idea was very romantic, then I got sick so it became very practical. After recovering from my illness I realized that I had already created a new habit so it was up to me to reinforce it. I must admit though this was still challenging as pretty much every person in my life was there because we had shared at least the common thread of cannabis. So when you brain is trained to salivate at the sight and smell of it then you must resist your Pavlovian  reactions and practice something that is rarely taught in America, self-restraint.

What I found after a couple of weeks of going without it was absolutely astounding. I was still very laid back and easy-going without it and eventually I started getting really hungry again. But beyond that I found that my perspective had started to change as if I had removed a pair of sunglasses to finally see the amazing colors that only true light can reveal.

Then it happened, I was pulling into the grocery store parking lot and noticed a beautiful young lady who was talking with her son as she was loading groceries into the car. As I grabbed my grocery bags out of my car I could not take my eyes off them, I was completely captivated. I continue on towards the entrance of the store but as I am walking by her car I can tell that something is amiss. Why is she looking in her car window?

I proceed to ask,”Did you lock your keys in your car?” She looked at me with such a multitude of emotions, I could not help but feed into my white knight complex and help her. After talking to them both I was determined to make sure this situation was rectified. Not to mention she was pretty cute and her son was absolutely adorable.

I proceeded to let her use my phone to call for someone to come pop the lock, and then asked them to join me as I picked up some groceries, while we waited for their arrival. As we talked there were so many “coincidences” between us that I would have to be blind to not see what had happened. I was searching for this and lo and behold it was provided.

Once I got home I started to reflect upon this whole occurrence. Then I realized that if I had been smoking still i would have been in too much of a hurry to get home in order to feed my habit I wouldn’t have taken the time to help her most likely. Since my removal of this habit I had found that my time was much more free so a minor delay or alteration in my path was actually very much appreciated.

Let me leave you with a thought from my perspective, or perhaps more of just a question. Can you say that all the emotions, thoughts, habits, and opinions you accumulated are truly serving a greater good in your life? The only person that can answer this is you of course, but let me help with the thought process a little. Take a look at some of your habits and ask a simple question does this add value or detract value from my life. Now the meaning of value is very subjective so I wont spend too much time on it, but to me it meant whether or not those emotions, thoughts, habits, and opinions were helping me make this world a better place.

Thanks for sticking around and know that I LOVE YOU.

TWFMR557X8TQ

Window of my Wisdom

Life twists & turn full of beautiful lessons as we learn. It’s like a game, learn the lesson & go onto the next. IMHO ~ Wisdom will grow when we surrender to the fact that we don’t know. When we say I know, then maybe we close the door on what is about to be unveiled to us? Just my thoughts as I peacefully ponder. ~<3~ Leslie

Dealing With Feeling

With today’s media driven world it’s very easy to get bogged down in the negativity. So let me share how to keep your spirits up.

First. Breathe. All too often we get caught up in the insanity of society and forget this simple habit. So if you are reading this do me a favor. Stop and take a few good deep breaths……feel better? I know I do.

Second. Forgive. The world, more importantly the ones who occupy it. As this is necessary for us to live in place we can’t control. Let me clarify I don’t mean forget justify or sympathize I mean truly forgive as the ones who don’t “deserve” it need it the most.

Third. Feel. Yeah I know this part can really hurt as our hearts can be filled with grief and despair. But these feelings must be allowed to flow or they become like cancer. So let yourself cry or scream, say a few curse words whatever it is that you feel will help express these emotions. Just remember to not make other people your emotional punching bag as this burden upon them is no less damaging than it is for you to hold it in.
Not sure how to express emotion anymore? That’s ok too we as a society have been programmed and drugged to not feel so seek out someone you know who can help there is always another who would love to, myself included.

Fourth. Find beauty. As it does not disappear in the face of sorrow it only shows itself in new ways. I don’t mean obsess over another-persons physical appearance or some new cool toy but find something that genuinely makes you smile and watch it for a brief spell.

Fifth. Live. Today is no better day to waste because of the events of yesterday or the uncertainty of tomorrow. So call someone you love or write a letter to a friend. Try something new that you have been waiting for the perfect opportunity to try as that opportunity is now. Got some chores you have been putting off? Embrace them as they will bring you peace just through the process of taking action in your life.

Let me wrap this all up with one simple request of you all. Today we need love more than ever so do me a favor share that love with another give a hug or a kiss or even a simple smile.

Above all else know that I LOVE YOU.