A Bitter Taste
I normally try to write insightful or inspiring posts as that is what I like to contribute to the lives of others. Something I consider to be more valuable than that is authenticity.
This entry is one directly from the heart of a hurting young man who so desperately wants to not have to face the consequences of his decisions that he has consistently ran from them all of his life.
I’m done, I can’t keep running it appears the route of escape was always destined to be a dead-end. One filled with thoughtless mistakes and foolish assumptions.
A mistake is a common thing, honestly speaking I am walking catastrophe in life a person just like anyone else. The one thing that I really consider to be unique about my disposition is that when my mistakes only effect me they are of little consequence but when my actions cause another person pain it eats me up inside. I know I can’t go through life without hurting others, the knowledge of this pain does not make it any easier for me to deal with it when I do.
I sit here writing with tears in my eyes, not seeking sympathy or consoling, just desiring to show that someone such as myself has to deal with the lows of life as well. All too often in my life I hear others say, “You are just so damn happy! Always such an optimist.” These attributes are fairly accurate and behind them I am just hiding from pain like the rest. My positive perspective does not make me impervious to being hurt or upset, what it means is that my life tends to balance out in the beautiful dance of duality just like anyone else.
The danger in living the way I do is that you get addicted to the highs of life so much that you can’t stomach the lows and end turn start using external vices to numb that pain. How I would love not to feel right now. Something I have learned in my journey is that in order to be able to truly appreciate the amazingly wonderful feelings we are blessed with we must also be able to accept the not so pleasant ones as well.
I can’t lie and say this is an easy thing to do or that I am any good at it but I can say that the time has come in my life to face the music. Just reading these words scares the living hell out of me, my mind says, “Are you crazy?” My heart agrees, “Please don’t do this.” My soul responds, “It must be done, you know it.”
I wont go into the details of my transgression but I will at least admit that my thoughtless actions caused pain in the life of the woman I love. She has every right to be hurt and has asked me to not be a part of her life anymore. The child in me wants to fight it, with my mind spewing out ideas of how to keep her in my life as if she is some kind of possession. Alas, the only thing that can rectify this injustice is honoring her request and being grateful for the time I was granted.
When you are standing in a moment such as this you can’t help but see catastrophic ends. The world appears to be crumbling down all around you, the main reason being that you had already planned how your future was going to be and when you see things changing beyond your control you automatically assume the worst. If you look at your past experiences you will notice the world has not ended despite how much you felt like it was.
So this is me getting a taste of my own medicine and I’ll tell you it has a bitter taste, like soap in the mouth after swearing when you were younger. Today I have had so many hopes and wishes that have no basis in reality only selfish desire, which only goes to illuminate the necessity of this lesson in my life. Now I relinquish my selfish intentions and send out a simple wish of healing for the pain I caused.
If I may be so arrogant as to quote one of my own songs.
“In life it happens, we all fall apart.
Sweep up the pieces of our broken hearts.
Don’t you give up, nor run or retreat,
Without the bitter the sweet just ain’t as sweet.”
Thanks for tuning in and as always you are worth MORE THAN GOLD.
THANK YOU and I LOVE YOU.